Home

It is really nice to come "home". After hours of travelling in a ride share finally getting off the autobahn into the city and realizing that you have been recognizing bits and pieces for the past 100 or so km. Suddenly you know precisely where you are - at the other end of town - and you can call "Stop!" to the slowest driver of the universe, so you can get off at a stop convinient for you. It is so nice the smell the city again. It is dark, but not quiet, you wonder what day and what time it is and you laugh secretly.
While being gone, you felt that something was missing. That you were away from something, not quite graspable. Yet it was right to leave. New strengths have been disco
And then your batteries of the mp3 player turn flat, just at your station and you smile. And you leave the train and you see a car driving by and it shouts "Waka waka" from its radio. And you smile and feel like a friend is giving you a welcome. And you smile at yourself and your silly ideas and walk on.
Zora waiting at home, so excited to have you back - and so well taken care of by the friends you found you made. And you still smile and walk her around the block. Realizing that this is where you want to be, where you chose to be, even though the visit "at home" was great and you are delighted that you brought yourself aloaf of bread from your old local bakery.
And then one of the friends dropping by, even though - thanks to 2h delayed start of the world's slowest driver - it is already 11pm. And the friend discovered love while you were gone and brings you food and shares it in the kitchen and you two talk the night away, like you haven't seen each other in years. And you smile.
And your eyes wander around in your flat, you see bits and pieces, books and cards, stuff and junk, plants and possibly some chaos - and you feel so grateful to have found this place and that it actually has become... home.

Sometimes life is such a mess it leaves you speechless. Sometimes none of it makes sense and you feel like the last 15 minutes of a Bridget Jones movie and it just sucks. I mean wow. I haven't said a word out here for a while as most of my thoughts are not going public.

But let's just say that friday the 13th was a real burner as I fell down my bunk (drunk) - a rhyme and a whine.
I miss some people. Sucks. Hate to get attached. Hate the ache.
I quit my job. I have no answer yet when people ask me, "So what do you do?" - "Ummmm"
I am unhappy with many things and I am not yet perfect at improving.
I got dumped by the summer, my sister and yes, guys.
I like to be self-pitying :).

I danced on the Spree.
I have the most awesome friends, yet I long for space and distance and room to figure me out.
I discovered Ben Harper (yes I am slow) and I love him.
I want to write and also learn how to sew.
I am totally broke.
I want to move to Canada or somewhere far far away.
I love Berlin.
I want summer, it's August, damn it!
I hate Nazis.
I want to get rid of the bunny as it eats my walls and I find that annoying.
I want to find my energy and let go of all that negative crap.

So many thoughts. blblblaaaa

What matters

I think a lot these days. I always think, but right now, it is really working inside me.

What matters? Is everyone really so independent from material stuff as they post from their iphones? Is it really just love & friends?

How do I know what I feel? Is the feeling important?
How can one get by in this world? Isn't everyone struck by destiny at least once?
I find life so devastatingly difficult. Where to live, what to eat - organic or fair trade? - what to do? Classic Relationship thing, one on one? How does this work? Is it possible at all or are all relationships bound to fail at one point in the one way or the other?
How to raise your kids if they'll end up needing therapy like 85% of the people at one stage anyway? How can one do it right?
How to handle injustice and suffering among your friends and family? Is it not better to stay out of it... safe?

How can we be human? What is human? What is human?

How to protect people we love from getting hurt? How to protect us from people we love? How to protect love?

How to find out who we are? But maybe I don't want to. Maybe I'd rather live an illusion of myself. What if I found out I was a racist banker at heart? No thank you, I keep my picture.

Crazy thoughts.
Crazy feelings.
Crazy thunderstorm and rain, oh the rain. Helps.

Gotta sleep.

First lines to my book

My friend has been threatening me to write a book about my love life. She was my first roommate ever and this has been going on for years. By now she’s married while I am still me - the threat is out there still. As she had recently had a baby and I presume lots of time at home, I don’t want to miss out on a business opportunity, so I am going ahead and writing my own story. If it sounds familiar, she was faster than me. But believe me, I’ve the better stories to tell.

Itchy

I got covered in dust last night sitting in a park. But the dust didn't prevent the moscitoes from eating me up alive... Today is just crazy, I am covered in not less than 30 bites.. but it was a nice sit in with lightnings and music..

Berlin's still pretty hot.
I still got that bunny.
I still workworkwork :)....
I want to be more productive though... turn up the engine.
And swim the lakes of Berlin at night!

Currently, Berlin and I are in a love-hate relationship. Either I love it. The people, the many hellos we get on a morning round, the chit chat, the sun on Tempelhof, the space, the faces on the trains, the very random encounters day after day, my messy appartment, my strange and changing life, my friends, the closeness to people I very often feel here, the possibility to literally do WHATEVER and not to be judged. The bars opening around my area, the fact that the World Cup is finally over, no more silvester "bombs" at night, no more puke the morning after on the streets... The fact that three thirds of the "really" stylish people aren't even Berlin, they are from Barcelona or Brasil, the girls wearing the layers and the sun glasses... The Berliner is actually very much conservative, possibly chucks, but that's it. (Unless a Turkish or Arabian background)... I love the fact that Aussi and I had an excursion into enemy's country (Prenzlauer Berg, couple with children...) & came home with two free cages and really interesting bunny supplies. Is the enemy not the enemy after all? Check out your favorite Feindbild http://www.zitty.de/magazin-berlin/16849/ in Berlin... (Love that article, too)

I hate the heat that stays like a soup, makes you drown in it, doesn't let you go. Soup comes with the smell of the puke, the dog shit, the sweat of the millions of people who gather on this little piece of earth... People abuse people, children... animals. Life. They stay, they waste, they are rude.. they say "they" :).. Sometimes I have enough of it all, I want silence, the smell of a forest, space. Peace. Good thing that I got an excuse to leave the house and wonder off into the greens 3 times a day... Otherwise I'd go crazy.

But then again. I love you Berlin. I like what this city is doing with me.

Feeling homy

... with the homies :)

I just helped a friend of mine to move in today. She literally lives down the street from me, just around the corner. I love how in the past three months I found so many people living close by who have now become friends. There is my study companion, with whom I do meet rather spontaneously for a drink / supper, too. 3 girls I found through Zora whilst walking her (all with dogs themselves). My favourite Irish & Australian who live not too far away... My dogsitter!
Then there's all these little bars and galleries here that I love so much... And I should really start to eat out in this area, I have no clue, but there is soo much!

This is becoming my home :-D!

Cheerio :)

New Stuff!

New Computer!
New Windows 7 (confusing!)
New Word and Google Chrome!
New Keyboard: NNNNNNNNNNN :-D!
New speakers :)!
New Friends!
New Attitude!
New Pet!



What can I say? Life got a bit confusing today.... I did keep the bunny for now. Seeing that he/she is almost part of the family already... see above ;) Will see how the next days go, want the bunny (and me!) to be happy. Zora does love him.... Will see ;)

His companion died once we had arrived at home. He got into the fangs of two hunting dogs... Very sad, all of it. I put up signs, called the shelter and the vet. Punk (that's what I named him) just doesn't seem like he wasn't loved... He's so tame... Maybe the family is on holiday and the kids weren't asked about this.. Very sad.

Very hot today... gotta work a bit more, now that it is colder. Can't really get used to this new keyboard yet, feels like I gotta jam the keys... hm hm hm

Cheerio!